Ending The Year with Reflections and Love Letter To You

Cartoonist Sarah Anderson describes my last few years perfectly with this cartoon:

Sarah AndersonFans of this blog know I’m not the kicking a blog post out every day or even week kind of girl, not my thing. I’ve promised in years past that I was going to blog more but let’s just get real with it, that’s not going to happen and the purpose of this post isn’t to kick out new years resolutions. Instead this is a fucked up love letter of sorts to myself and those who wander into my life in the future.

Some people fear change. They can’t handle it well. I’m not one of those people, in fact my biggest fear is that things won’t change, for myself and the world at large. I wonder if that’s a byproduct of not quite being content in my now. But, I can come back and reflect in those words later. As I write this I’m hopeful with a heightened sense of self awareness I can’t fully describe. December has been a month of reflection, planning, and revelation. Of taking the pieces of foundation that I’d been haphazardly trying to lay down the last few years and making them fit. Finalizing the blue print. There are lots of things in the pipe, dreams I haven’t let go of, yadda yadda but really this about healing and the future.

I was locked in a moment of utter suck as I call it a few nights ago. I had read something, was suddenly triggered by it and emotion exploded crushing me down. Inside of that terrible moment of distress (and now as I look back on it) I have an understanding of it that I didn’t have when it had happened before. I get stuck in the rumble you see. I can rationalize that the story I’m telling myself is a shitty first draft, I can tell myself that I’m making up all kinds of wild stories with no information to support them but I can’t stop and I can’t get out of the cycle. The difference was the last time this happened, when my natural intensity kicked in to make everything worse and I realized exactly what it was that felt like it was trapped in my chest: grief. Past pain, trauma, wounds that didn’t heal, they were all stuck there like demons in a cage, crying and begging to set free.

I have no idea how to heal them. Push them out. Accept them? Give them a hug? I don’t know. It’s something to work on with my therapist, but I feel hopeful at least that now I’ve got something to focus on more narrowly then when I simply told her (my therapist) “I’m not happy. I want to be happy.”

I have moments. I really do. I’m not walking bag of woe is me, don’t get it twisted. I have made wonderful, wonderful friends this last year inside my RP in the secret world and found a great community and more friends on twitch. My life goals, my mission, purpose whatever you want to call it has not changed.  I am hopeful and determined and at times even excited. I got lost in my writing a few days ago and that was an old feeling that I had desperately missed (you all will get to read that soon too).

But I am truly under construction. I am a work in progress. I will probably be in this space many more times in my life (because that’s just what we Scorpio’s do); tore down, and building back up. I am on the elevator of a sky rise that is currently under construction and sometimes the elevator gets stuck, it wiggles back and forth, it drops down three floors, and stays there for days before it slowly climbs back up again.

So, to the person who is going to love me next and I do believe I’m going to meet you fairly soon; good luck and you’re going to need a hard hat.

There are things I need to say to you. Things I will hopefully articulate inside of the relationship but sometimes it’s in silent retrospection when clarity comes. As you have probably guessed already I am messy. I think I am this way even when I am not under construction, but not messy in a literally sense (though I really do hate putting away laundry) more in the: I am simple and complex. Aren’t we all though?

There really are old wounds and trauma trapped inside. I feel it in the moments when my grief takes hold and bears it weight down on me and I can’t escape it and I can’t find the way to heal it and I struggle to find the tools to cope. These old demons will rear their head sometimes. I will project, know I am projecting, and still be unable to stop projecting. I’m working on this, and with a professional. I don’t expect it to be a fast process, but I am a fast learner and I am determined to move forward. I’m also quite determined not to let it stop me from finding you. The reason I’m telling you this is because sometimes those old hurts creep into the things I say or do and I might not recognize it until hours later. I can write words, and I can perform words, but it may be difficult for me to articulate things to you simply because I am mucking through what’s real and what my wounds are making up. Hours later I’ll rewind back to what I said and wish that I had phrased things differently, that I had simply paused instead of rushing ahead because the moment and silence can be uncomfortable and I had to fill it with rough draft words. That’s what you’ll get sometimes, rough draft words. They do not excuse me it’s simply not all of the story. It’s not the polished version and it might not be everything I really wanted to say to you. You’ll have to figure out how to respond to that. I don’t expect you to get it right every time, don’t worry.

I am easy and then in moments not so much. I will value my space and independence fiercely and demand you respect it. Then I’ll abruptly and without warning have a bout of neediness that wants to fill that space up with you.

But, here’s the deal. Everything I am, all my cracks and pieces, the burning fire of me and the ashes that I slowly rebuild into the woman I can even see some days,  all the contradictions and illogical moments – I will accept, value and love all this about you, too. It will be unconditional. I will never ask for you to change. I will love you all parts of you fiercely, intensely and unapologetically, so hard it might make you uncomfortable. I will be appreciative, and considerate, and I will always make time for you. There will be big romantic gestures and smaller ones and you will be impressed by my ability to remember details about you. I will want to learn from you, about things and about myself from your perspective. Truly that is how I have learned the most; through interaction with others and then reflection upon those interactions later. But if you can love me now, in this moment then you’re in for a real fucking treat when this metamorphosis is complete and I’m at my best.

So, today. I’m ready. Bring it on, 2018.

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